Michael Nwankpa Ph.D.
‘I want respect from her. She doesn’t respect me. She is just like her mom’. I sat down and listened to ‘John’ (not the real name) express his frustration at his strained relationship with his 35 years old daughter. John had a relationship with his daughter until the age of five years when he went to prison. The few years he spent locked away disrupted the relationship he had with his daughter. Although John acknowledged that his lifestyle when he was younger was not perfect, he placed the bulk of the blame on his ex-partner, the mother of his older daughter. According to him, his daughter has been brainwashed by her mother.
Unfortunately, there are many men like John who are finding it difficult to have a relationship with their estranged adult child. For some, they may have left it too late. But is it too late to repair a broken relationship between a father and his child? The familial relationship between a father and his adult child can be mended. However, it is highly unlikely that such a late blossoming bond can have the same quality as the one formed during a child’s formative years. This is not to say that every relationship formed between a father and his child in the child’s formative years will always turn out well. Nonetheless, there is a higher chance that such a connection at an early age will produce a stronger bond and more enduring relationship.
My relationship with my older daughter is a perfect illustration of why fathers need to develop and maintain healthy relationship and consistent contact with their children after separation. Her mother and I went through a difficult separation which involved going in-and-out of the family court frequently for years. I remember concerned family members and friends advised me to focus on my PhD study at the time as my daughter was just 6 months old. Their advice was without malice, but that would have been a terrible decision. I knew it was a battle for the soul and mind of our daughter. If I had heeded the advice, my career could have progressed further than it is now, but I would have lost my daughter for life. Ten years after, I have a solid relationship with my daughter without sacrificing my career. But these gains are not without pain and sacrifice. While the relationship between my ex and I is now less acrimonious, there is still effort on her part to turn our daughter against me. These efforts have proven futile because I have been in my daughter’s life since birth and she continue to experience her father’s love and care firsthand. Therefore, it is hard to tell her otherwise.
Many others have not been as fortunate as I am. I have read stories and seen many close friends and family members who do not have a good relationship with their grown-up kids. In some of these cases, the men simply abandoned the family. There is nothing more cowardice than a man who abandons his family. A father plays an essential role in the life of his child not only as a financial provider, but even more so as a teacher, an educator, a protector, a role model-someone who provides guidance, love, instruction and the roadmap to life. An absentee father poses a danger to the development of a child, the health of a family and the prosperity of a nation or society.
However, there are many fathers who abdicate their duties because their ex-wives or ex-partners make it difficult for them to continue to be an effective parent after separation. Whatever the case, the child loses the most in these situations. Therefore, the highest sympathy goes to the innocent child who is denied the love and affection of a father. There are some rare occasions when a father or a mother’s presence in a child’s life may be adverse for the child. In these instances, it may become necessary to restrict contact. However, some form of indirect contact for example through letters and third party should be encouraged. We have seen situations where the relationship between estranged fathers and their adult children have been repaired later in life. The scars however remain-measured in the stolen childhood and years that cannot be recovered. For many men who are currently going through separation or divorce, I encourage you to do all you can to remain actively involved in your children’s lives.
